Dear Mum (Love Ryu)
WARNING: Obscenities from the mouth of a babe (warning posted by mum)
So, Happy Birthday to me aye.
Can you believe it's been a year already? A whole year since that traumatic underwater adventure culminating in trying to get my big head out the saloon doors. I know you probably think you were in more pain that day but really, think about it....
I really wanted to come out the week before. God, even the doctor thought I'd be out that day but then you god damn went and closed those saloon doors back up. Sealed them tight and I had to wait a whole nother week. When it was time I couldn't jostle my way down far enough for fricken ages. Don't know what all that squishy shit in there was but I had to really fight my way through. I was in such a rush at the end that I got all bloody tangled up in that damn cord. No wonder the doc had to pull me out by the head, I could hardly breathe man.
I thought, that after such an effort getting out that my mum would be a bit more excited to see me. I had 39 weeks to imagine what our first meeting would be like. I thought that I'd do a bit of screaming at you and then you would say something like 'hey sweetie, its so nice to finally meet you'. Instead the first thing you said to me was 'shit, he's purple'.
The nurse had to take me away to try and help me turn back to that normal baby color so I only got a token nuzzle to the boobs. I wasn't particularly hungry but it still would have been nice to get my face in there for a bit longer.
Dad took a video of my first bath. Not too excited about that home video to be honest. I'm all purple, screaming and looking like I've been in hot bath for too long - which I guess I have. Hope you don't feel that stupid parental need to show the video at my 21st or something horrific like that. It's shit like that that makes kids want to disown their parents aye.
I really wanted to come back for some more cuddles but I got put in the baby room for a few hours. I was a bit unsettled after all the trauma but a couple of the other blokes in there, the ones who were like already four days old, were really good. They told me it would all be OK and reassured me that being on the outside was more fun. They also let me in on the secret of the boob - and how it makes you feel all warm and safe and shit.
I remember when I was finally allowed another go at the boobs and one of the nurses came in. She asked if you wanted me in your room from the first night. I think I might have looked up at you expectantly - yes you do mummy, then we can have cuddles and boob ALL night - but you didn't even see me. You just kind of laughed at the nurse and said hell no, I want some sleep, he can room in from day three. The nurse then asked if you wanted to go home early - seeing as I had a big brother and sister at home waiting for you. If I remember correctly you laughed almost insanely and said something along the lines of that the only reason you had me was so that you could get a week away from those two. I have always wondered what you really said, cause I know no mother would actually say that out loud!
You know, I have good days and bad days about this whole 'third child' thing. Somedays I think it's great cause the older bro and sis can be so stupid that all I have to do is something pathetic like laugh or gurgle and you think I'm fuckin Christmas. Other days I am so far down the food chain that I wonder if you can actually hear me crying in my cot. I don't sit their screaming for the fun of it you know!
But overall mum, I think we've made quite a good team this year. I LOVED going back to New Zealand with you. I was THE MAN for ten whole days. Apart from the wanker men stewards on the flight back everybody bloody loved me. Thanks for taking me. It was so special - just you and me.
I know it's hard with us three, and dad can be a bit of a prick sometimes but you know he's really trying mum. Give the poor man the benefit of the doubt, how on earth would he find the time for pachinko, what ever the fuck that is.
Granny K's a piece of work isn't she? She loves me of course but man, she didn't need to go off at you this morning of all mornings. Does she not know I like waking you up in the middle of the night. I even had to compete with Marina last night. Good on you for not losing your rag.
That dog she gave me for my birthday was quite a laugh aye. Well, I'm a bit over it now but the first fifty back flips or so were pretty fuckin hilarious.
And mum, don't worry about yesterday. I'm a baby. I'm pretty resilient. But hey - don't let it happen again cause it would be nice if I still had some brain left to take advantage of having two languages being thrown at me 24/7.
Oh, and mum, I love you.
You're pretty awesome.