Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Hurdles in Marriage

Yesterday was a bit of a test to my patience. I walked the kids to kindy and five minutes before walking back in the door my phone rang saying that Shou had a temp and could I come pick him up. Had to drop the pram off and get straight into the car. 38.2 degrees - for an hour and then down to normal. I had given him some meddy though so thought it was probably just that kicking in.

After lunch it was still normal and I tried to convince him to go back to kindy but he was not having a bar of it. Granny K wanted me to cancel my afternoon English class but the class brings in 5000 yen for the hour and we are heading for a month of tofu and instant ramen so canceling the class really not option. God, it's going to cost us that much just to get into the Aquarium for the kindy outing this Saturday.

For about forty minutes in the afternoon before class a miracle happened and Shou fell alseep in front of his construction vehicle dvd and Ryu was napping up stairs. I was able to make dinner (nikujaga) and then sit down and have a coffee and sort out English in peace. OK, so more like an hour.

The class itself was I guess better than it could have been given the circumstances. Shou was all over the place but we were doing very boring to a three year old stuff so he was out in Granny's room a bit too. Got through everything had set so hopefully the girls didn't go home with tales of Shou jumping round the room and trying to climb on sensei's shoulders.

Went to pick Marina up and was very cute - Shou ran to meet her and then held her hand the whole way to the car and even opened her door. Too cute. They both scoffed back nikujaga-don (really just meat spuds and carrots with a soupy sauce on rice) and the only thing that sparked me up was Shou using his bath toy waterpistol to shoot the TV and one of my books. Ooooh, mummy not happy.

Anyhoo, kids at kindy today and Ryu sleeping. I got back from kindy and Granny K told me to turn the TV to NHK. Came in here and turned it on - straight to speal about looking after vestling on-the-decline inlaws that are living with you and how shouldn't be embarrassed to leave it to the pros. Very interesting. Think perhaps Granny K, after seeing a few mummy meltdowns, has started thinking her chances of survival are better if she goes into a home with round the clock care instead of bitchy daughter in law complaining everytime she needs to change her vestling nappy or spoonfeed her sloppy rice.

This was followed by section on marriages and the divorce rate and the different hurdles at different times of marriage.

This is basically what was said - in gaijinwife words of course.

Newly wed (43% of divorces happen within the first 5 years)

You marry your bloke cause you think he's a bit of all right and that you will be happy and grow old together. Doesn't take long to find out that he can be a bit of a fuck wit sometimes, farts while you're eating, gives you a bit of lip about how you clean and cook and skives off to pachinko on the sly. Also mentioned the having kids, buying a house and living with inlaws to cause 'hiccups' in these first years. Christ, I've still got the bloody hiccups.

6 - 10 years (11% of divorces)

Money problems is the main reason for divorce. Kids get bigger, you're getting over the shitty bums and sleepless nights but start thinking about how much the rugrats will bleed from you before they are old enough to kick out of home - and then they keep bleeding you dry for varsity and god forbid longer.

11-20 years (28% of divorces)

Your lives start going on different paths - ships passing in the night kind of thing. Hub has work and you have the house, kids and mummy friends. The small things you put up with at the start because kicking him out of home would have left you a single mother of three under three are starting to piss you off again. For the love of god will the man not suck his butt cheeks in until he's walked that extra two steps out the door and closed it before letting a big one rip? And he's fifty for god sake, he doesn't need to report every time he's going to the toilet for a big crap.

21 years - (18% of divorces)

Main reason for older divorce used to be because hub had retired and was at home all the time sitting on his arse while the wife continued to 'work' doing the same thing she always had. No god damn retiring from washing, cooking and vacuuming. Now adays the main reason is hub retiring and wanting to do what he wants, regardless of what wifey wants. Communication breaks down and couples stop telling each other the little things - like I love you and fancy a shag love.

Oh, and on the news that got reported while this program was on there was a segment on a new book - looking after/raising grandchildren. It outlined the differences in child raising back then and now. I think it is supposed to help the grandparents now in looking after their grandchildren in such a way as to not fuck the parents off. Back then it was thought that cuddling and rocking a baby too much would get them into the habbit of always being held. Now? The book says that cuddles are 'nutrition for the heart' - isn't that great. My translation of course - Japanese was 'kokoro (ni)no eiyo' or something.

Right, so that post was a bit all over the place. For some reason (I've stopped wondering with this computer) my curser pad and mouse won't move at all so I might not be able to get back up to put in a title. New computer finally got OKed through the Apple Shop. They wouldn't accept my initial order as I tried it with my JCB credit card - but am unable to pay in installments so put it on hub's card - after a bit more faffing around caused by this piece of shit. Shouldn't be long though till I'm up with the play.



Lily said...

I hope my in-laws watched that program. On the off chance they are reading this (yeah whatever...)Hello? You do have another set of grandchildren out here.

So after all those chances of getting divorced at all stages of marriage, how many actually make to the end, being buried together? Speaking of which, I wonder what the percentage is that ends with one of them killing the other or themselves.

Remind me again why people get married in the first place. Love my children but I wasn't blind to all this...I intended to sit on the Tiffany ring and travel the world with my "fiance", until I parked myself in a nursing home but the Gods caught onto me too soon and popped the condom a few months into the plan. So the joke was on me eh.

Good to know I have 11percent chance of divorce. Actually, being on our own with no family is so difficult and we bicker and are exhausted but I think because we are so dependant on each other in surviving the parenting of young children thing we also yearn to spend more time together and I like to think love each other more.

Sorry, just free-thinking in your comment box. Thanks for the post. Someday I will go out to Oita when Ryu and Sora are old enough to be left alone and I am so getting flat drunk with you.

Nay said...

Wow... My marriage has a 43% chance of ending in a divorce. Kind of scary statistics to be honest. Can totally under how it could happen though. Being "in a relationship" and being "married" are very different and it takes a while to find a balance... I think you definitely learn more about your partner after you marry them even when you thought you knew everything about them before...

Another 3 years before the chance of divorce decreases - がんばる!lol

Corinne said...

They are pretty scary stats! Throw international marriage spanner in those 43% works and I wonder where we all end up!?
Hoping your kiddies are all healthy and back to kindy soon, one sick kid is more than enough!

Anonymous said...

Afternoon GW, the grandma from down under here.

Meant to post about Shou peeing but the days have flown by. Where? Do remember thinking it reminded me of when our elder son was learning boys pee standing up especially when in the toilet. It was a tad awkward as DH was overseas at the time and mummy sat down to pee...... As soon as DH returned I told him he had to show elder son how to pee into toilet. Not long afterwards was walking past toot door when I head DH saying 'listen son this is how you do it!' Cracked me up. By the time I had younger son (daughter inbetween times) I'd kind of given up. Don't know who, if anyone, taught younger son to pee into toot. Someone must have because at age 37 years he's fully toilet trained!

Right, that's not what I wanted to write about. It was to tell you that I GOT AN INVITE TO THE WEDDING! October 16, Tokyo. What do I wear?

Cheers, Margaret M

Lulu said...

43% of marriages in the first 5 years end in divorce huh? We have only got one year under our belt...UH OH!

This is the reason I am glad I lived with Shun for ages before we got married- and that he lived in Australia for a bit. I knew he was a twat sometimes before I married him BUT I figured all of the "twatness" that had come up before we married was twatness I could deal with! HAHA!

Having a child definitely changes things. It takes some adjusting for sure.

Yay for new computer payment going through!!!

Oh and the wedding comment above for October- are you going to? Ie, coming to Tokyo? If so be sure to let me know as would love to meet up (Maybe a girls night out with T? Her bub will be old enough by then to be left with J!)

Oh and my word verification was flubber. Nice!

Gaijin Wife said...

Lily - free thinking all good. Flat drunk even better :)

Nay - not 43% of all marriages end in divorce in first five years. Of the total number of divorces 43% happen during the first five years. Not sure what actual stats are for number of divorces but I would think Japan would be lower than NZ and OZ? Perhaps.

Corinne - kids back at kindy today - yay. I reckon being in an international marriage would lower your chances of divorce, as crazy as that may sound. If I was at home in NZ and putting up with some of this shit from a NZ guy I would probably have ditched him by now. Our circumstances mean have more hurdles to get over and therefore probably get better at getting over them. Have to confont them. Can't run away home with the kids for a week every so often to cool down.

Margaret - yay for wedding invite! October, hmmmm. Still quite hot but then will be inside reception in big hall I imagine. The most predominant colour will be black but anything formal-ish OK. Are you going to tell your son?

Lulu - nope, not coming to Tokyo unfortunately. In fact have never met the lovely Margaret and if you go back a few posts and read her comments you will see the wedding is her son's ex-girlfriends who is Japanese :)

Can't believe word verification was flubber. That's great. Have often wondered if it just goes through and takes random words from that particular blog and sometimes leaves them as is and other times mixes them around?

Anonymous said...

Hello There GW

Yes, I have told son. He said he was happy for her and THEN went on to say 'she must be over me now!!' Much as I love him I would have swiped him one if it could have been done over the telephone.

Thanks for advice re what to wear. I love black but formal!!!!! Should I still have the dyed red hair I've been wearing the last few years or should I let it go au natural grey..shudder. One more question. Does one always have to give money - I've been googling - or can I take a gift? Like I'm a patchworker/quilter and I've already started on the quilt.

Thanks and cheers
Margaret M

umebossy said...

I was surprised about the low number for the second group...what about the so-called 7-year itch?

I read that in Japan the divorce rate of over 60s has risen dramatically in recent years - especially a year or so after hubby retires because they are suddenly together all the time and realise that they don't actually like each other any more and can't stand it! In previous times they would have just gaman-ed until one of them popped their clogs due to the stigma of divorce but because it's more acceptable now they feel they can choose that instead. Definitely a change for the better...for the wives at least...the poor old codgers probably find themselves alone and totally incapable of washing their pants or making miso soup!

Gaijin Wife said...

I'd keep the hair :)

RE prezzie vs money... It will cost them about 20,000 yen per person for the reception - this will include a lavish full course meal and drinks and a take home prezzie from them to you - including anything from cake and red bean rice to plates or towels, or my favorite a catalog that you get to choose your own gift from. Not so good for you obviously as you will be going back to OZ!

I guess it depends how traditional they are going. Down here things are still quite old school - although hub got a wedding invitation yesterday and it said 'fee - 20,000 yen'. This is good as the person is a cousin and usually we would have to give more than this - although Granny K will probably make us anyway.

That all said - I have given a card and a prezzie before. When you turn up there is a reception desk where you write your name and hand over the fancy envelope with cash. I just wrote my name and handed box over.

Being foreign you will get away with whatever. I'm sure she'd tell you what to do but :)

Gaijin Wife said...

Umebossy - I know, I was thinking 7 year itch too!! Seeing as that's what I'm officially in. For some reason seeing the low number made me feel better :)

Agree is good the women aren't putting up with cranky retired husbands just for the sake of keeping face and not getting divorced. Would you believe that there are even laws inplace now that allow the wife some of the husbands retirement money - helleluja. Up until recently they got nothing but their own retirement - which was inevitably less as they hadn't been working all their life. Come on Japan, keep up with the play. You can do it.

Lisa said...

I guess husbands farting transcends all cultural boundaries!

Kelly said...

Oh, only 11% for me but doesn't mean I haven't come close to strangling him in the first 3 or 4 years and we've definitely had some doozies but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Right? Right? ;)

Hope you get your new comp up and running soon.


My word verification is mooing lol

Anonymous said...

GW. Thank you so much for all the info. You don't know how much I appreciate it.
Right, the red hair stays. I'll do the foreigner thing and leave the box and card at reception. I am positive Natsuko will be happy with that. Don't know who is more excited about me going, me or her!

And now I'll slide back into the background and ask no more. Well, not for awhile at least.

No, no one more thing she says. Hurdles in Marriage. Bet you dont want to hear 45 years worth! Nah, it's a journey of discovery between two people no matter what statistics they come up with. Never did like statistics. They're always manipulated to suit the author/s.

Hope you had a good nights sleep.
Margaret M

Mighty Atom said...

WOW! Hey Gajin Wife I hope you know/realize that this is a book. A BEST SELLER and you should for sure get an agent and a publisher like right now while the ink is still hot on the computer! Superb intelligent and awesome! Even as a POD it would sell like hotcakes/rice. Hope this is copyrighted? Best wishes. writer.

Mighty Atom said...

POD: Print on demand (Amazon/iUniverse/Lulu...)

Bryn said...

And what's the percentage of marriages that end in divorce when the bastard, won't even go there! In our case, it's 100% LOL

Woo hoo for the new 'puter! I've been thinking about switching to a Mac.

Hope everybody's still healthy!

Midori said...

Yay for new MACs!

As someone who fell into the 43% of divorces in the first five years (Although let's face it, I don't think my marriage counts at all given the circumstances!) I have to say that I think that the international marriage factor probably keeps people together alot of the time, especially when you throw Japan's scary custody laws and the lack of Hague Convention signing into the mix, alot of people are more likely to stick out certain situations because leaving could result in losing your kids. I know that I would have left D MUCH sooner if it hadn't been so complicated and if I hadn't had to start a whole new life in a different country so far away from him and his family. (Felt bad about taking Joey away from them all..) I think it is much easier for people who are married within the same culture/country to divorce because all they have to do is set up visiting rights and you are good to go. (I know that is a simplistic view but you know what I mean!!!)

I have been thinking alot lately as to whether I would get married again and I am actually beginning to think that while I could see myself living with someone and having more kids, I don't think I believe enough in the "institution" of marriage to go through it again.

Anyway, I digress. I hope Shou feels better soon. (((HUGS)))

adekun said...

What a lovely interpretation. Just as I'm about to do my bloody nut seems I'm moving into the sunshine period. Hurrah.

Oyomesan said...

Just caught up with this interesting thread....and what impact does Living with the Crazy Inlaws have on the whole marriage stats???

I think it's interesting that Granny K wanted you to see the program - and I reading it right that she came in and told you about the program? - she is trying to give you Gaman Power I guess!