Friday, 2 April 2010

Selfish Bitch Rant

This is a very diluted version of what I would have written had I posted at ten this morning. Please shed some light. Am I being a selfish bitch really and just not seeing the wood through the trees or was my sister out of line?

I booked my tickets yesterday. I rang the pleb at the travel agents and he quoted me more than the air new zealand online site did so I told him to bugger off and that I would book everything by self. In this day and age this should be an easy task. No? Computer? Check. Hub's credit card? Check.

I tried about six times to access the online site and my shite computer wouldn't bring up any of the scroll down fields - as in ahhhhhhhh, departure location, destination, birthday, sex, rahdy rahdy rah. This six times took a lot of patience and over an hour. I got fed up. As you do. So I rang Chiemi and asked to borrow her highly sophisticated techonological setup of cable internet.

She suggested I try yahoo travel, so I did. But no flights on or around or even close to days wanted to go. Back to Air new zealand page and twenty minutes later I had flight booked as well as domestic flights from Fukuoka to Kansai. I arrive at 1:50 pm and international flight leaves at 3:30pm. This should be enough to retrieve bags and check in in specified time yes? I haven't been to Kansai airport since I was 19. Are the domestic and international parts far apart?

Tried to book flights using hub's JCB card but air new zealand sight didn't have it? How shit is that - is the Japanese site after all. Got the domestic ones on it though. Lieing husband can fork out for my overpriced tickets to Kansai.

Anyway, so after a lot of faffing round over the last three weeks I finally have tickets. It is a huuuuuuuuuge relief. Just having some actual dates. When we first found out about mum I wanted to come straight away and got told to hang off till the operation. Was going to book them that night as passport money had gone through so most probable that passport winging way back to Japan - but operation got postponed till following Tuesday.

Was going to book them on Tuesday but got told to hold off till the results from the pathologist were back.

Fuckin pathologist commits suicide and its a few more days till results come out. Chemo and Radio dude isn't coming back with a schedule until after Easter and by then I would have no chance of getting tickets. Especially with Golden Week coming up.

So, to get to the part about argument with sister.

I rang home this morning. For two reasons.

a) to tell them I had my tickets booked. Awesome. What a relief. I can come home finally and see mum and hug mum and talk to mum and start the next step of the process - probably mainly more for me coming to terms with it but also cause hey, I'm pretty sure mum wants to see me and of course meet Ryu. But that could just me being a selfish bitch.

b) to wish my sister a happy birthday - which is today.

When I rang they were all out so I spoke to dad. Told him the dates and that if chemo happened to happen during the time I was home that I wanted to go down to Palmerston North with them and that I had a place to stay and 24/7 friend/nanny. Dad understood. Not a problem.

Talk to sister about an hour later. Mentioned my dates and that arrive at ungodly hour of half five in the morning so taking taxi to friends house - friend who has generously offered to drive me down to mum and dads. Which is great because I really need to catch up with her and give her a big hug too.

I asked sister about the return bit as she had said previously that she might be able to come down to mum and dads with one of her two girls and stay for a couple of days and then drive Ryu and me back up for our flight out of Auckland. I wanted to ask her about this again as otherwise would need to book flight - which is fine. No biggie at all.

Oh! But I'm leaving on a weekday and it might be all too much and if it had been a weekend it would have been OK rah rah. Sorry my return flight is a weekday. I booked what I could. I don't expect her to go out of her way to take me back and if its a big fuckin deal that I should be eternally grateful for then I would rather fly. A lot less hassle.

We then talked about the chemo and stuff and I said that I didn't want anyone to put me into the equation when talking about the schedule for it. It might not even happen while I am there but should the doctor say well you can start treatment on perhaps a monday or a wednesday then not to think about me and that I will fit in with mums schedule - obviously.

Well, I obviously shouldn't have said anything cause she obviously took it the complete wrong way and next thing I got a

" Kate, it's not all about YOU you know. Mum will go in for her radiotherapy and chemo WHEN the doctor says and not around you"

What the bloody fuck fuck fuck??

I was so god damn upset that she would even imply that at this time I would be thinking it was all about bloody me. So upset that I wished her a happy birthday and hung up.

I was really upset though so I txted her saying that I meant the opposite to what she thought I meant and that how could she even say that to me. Also said that I would book flight up to Auck - as obviously going to be big fuckin deal trying to get a ride.

She txted back - saying that I was a mytre (sp? - can't check txt as deleted it) and that organzing things with friends was OK but not family and rah rah rah. Three txts in a row.

I ignored them - got more upset. Had a shower. Had a howl. Got on line and booked flight to Auckland.

Got another txt saying Sorry - why was she sorry? Dad told her she shouldn't have sent the txt. So sorry for sending it. What an appology.

I know she's family and that things with family blow over but at the moment I am fuckin furious. To be said 'it's not all about you' at a time like this and from HER of all bloody family members. Christ. It's been about her for the last god damn six months.

I know they don't understand what its like to be so far away at a time like this. They can't even begin to imagine. I don't begrudge them for that.

I wish I could just see mum and dad and not have to deal with the family bloody politics.

And thats my very trivial rant for the day.

I doubt my sister will read this. She said today that she hadn't seen a picture of Ryu for ages and considering I have posted quite a few over the past couple of months means she isn't checking this very often.

Sometimes I feel like living all the way over here I get emotionally distanced from my family as well.



Oyomesan said...

Do you feel better for the rant?

Hope so!

I bet she is on edge. You are on edge. It's all ready to be pushed OVER the edge...

There are loads of family stresses involved in being the One Who Lives Over in Japan/We're Here/You're Not stuff.
(My step-Dad in one of his more charmingly frank moments told me to "Go back to Japan and get on with your life" when I was back cos my Mum had cancer and he and I were fighting over who would help her do things. I felt like the guest in the house.They didn't need me at all really. he won. I came back here. My mum died a few months later. I still feel quite a bit of guilt about allowing myself to be sidelined in it all.
It's probably why I was determined to be there for dad last year.

Don't waste your energy on it! Your sister was out of line. And she knows it...

Melanie said...

I don`t think you were a bitch at all.

Back during university when my father came down from cancer(the bone marrow kind), my family were always getting onto be about not coming home every single weekend (my sister quit university herself at this time).

I continued to study, when I got colds I made sure to not come home (his drugs wiped out his immunity completely), and the straw that broke the camels back was when some stupid idiot hit my car and put it in the shop for week and I definitely could come home.

It wasn`t until (in a rather drunken state) that I said I was rather depressed myself, taking medication, trying to still do well in school, working so I could pay rent, and they kept getting on my back about every little thing.

Anonymous said...

Rant all you want Gaijin Wife. Best you do that than keep it locked up inside you.
Wish I could be there to help in some way but I'm in the land of down under. But know that people who read your blog, including your rants, feel for you. Concentrate on seeing your Mum.
I have been enjoying reading your blog since reading about Adele from Jacarana Blue's, kitchen on Down to Earth a month or so back. Hope you'll find some time when in NZ to let us know how you are going, also your Mum of course.
Margaret M

Corinne said...

Oh poor you, a stressful time for all involved but I'm guessing they have no idea how hard it is for you being so far away.
I'm sure she will cool down and apologise properly.

Oh and kansai international and domestic terminals are dead easy, international is 1st and 4th floors and domestic is 2nd or 3rd floor. It's really easy anyway!

Orchid64 said...

These types of misunderstandings occur in many cases because there is something that someone has wanted to say for awhile, but has been holding back and they jump on the first opportunity...even if that opportunity is manufactured by mishearing something that is said.

I think this had nothing to do with what is happening now but rather with things that you have said or done in the past. In particular, your attitude regarding going to an island on your parents' dime for your mother's birthday and your anger and resentment because your family doesn't show enough interest in your children or offer to come to Japan and help out (all things you've mentioned in your blog in the past and they may have read but not admitted to having done so). In particular, if I were in your shoes, I'd wonder if the whole family isn't angry about the situation with your mother's birthday and your declining to do what she wanted because of your circumstances (something which they may be angrier about in light of your mother's illness).

I think your sister is displacing some anger. Family often does this. It's not healthy, and it's certainly ill-timed, but you may need to have a deeper, broader talk with your sister when you go back home if you'd like to sort some things out.

I say this as a dispassionate observer and in no way validating any party's "side" of the situation. Frankly, I don't think anyone can really know except you and your family and things like being "selfish" are pretty subjective judgments anyway.

I do wish your mother well, and I hope your visit home is an emotionally enriching one for everyone.

JRS said...

Ugh, I remember how stressful it was when my mother was diagnosed. My brother went off the deep end more or less and became impossible to deal with for a while--last thing we needed at a time like that. I feel for you!
As for Kansai, supereasy to go b/t dom/intl. Also if you're flying ANA to Kansai, they can tag your bags for ANZ too (since they're both Star Alliance). I used to do this all the time from Sapporo to Narita or Kansai. Makes it faster...just make sure you check in at the Intl connection line in Fukuoka. Even if you're on JAL, they might be able to do it--depends on which inept employee you wind up with at checkin. Hang in there, and hope the trip goes well! Glad to hear that your mom's diagnosis is more optimistic than originally feared...

thefukases said...

Your good old friend the harbinger of doom here but having been through 'call in the rellies' situations with both parents can I say please steel your heart for a less than fun trip home? Anxiety, stress etc really mess with people and can lead to a lot of misplaced anger. Be strong, deep breaths, gorgeous Ryu cuddles and remember- you got an army of loyal fan/ addicts here ready to go and kick some butt for you. ;p

nikintheguch said...

Glad to hear you got tickets home but sorry you are having issues with your family. Hopefully things will work out when you get there but I'm sure your mum will be over the moon that you are there and overjoyed to meet Ryu. Thinking of you all!

Rachel said...

I hope you're feeling better today. While I agree with Orchid that there are some things welling up from the past, the REASON they are welling up now is the stress of this illness. I hope both of you were able to take a step back today and realize you had a rather major blow-out over what is really a rather small point, and people only do that when they are under a huge amount of stress. Normally we manage to keep the annoyance under control!

My mother once said to me, Grief is selfish. I've often thought about that. That's not to say you're bad for feeling this way, it just is what it is. They're your feelings and there they are. It's not about you, but at the same time - it IS! What kind of loving family member would you be if you didn't feel like this? Indifference or cool detachment would hardly be an improvement.

The only thing to do I think, is try to remember that everyone else is feeling the same whirlwind of conflicting emotions, and try to keep past issues out of it.

Glad to hear you got your tickets, what a run-around! Did you try HIS? You could do it by phone then. OH well, you got them now.

Kristen said...

If you have to travel from itami to kansai is is actually about an hour and a half bus ride. When I first went to Japan I didn't realize that and I missed my flight. I possible you might want to give yourself a little more time...I don't want you to miss your plane. I hope everything blows over quickly with your sister. She is probably upset about other things and took it out on you.