Not a better day than yesterday. There will never be the 'day I found out' again and as days go it was pretty horrendous but there will be worse.
I woke up and for a brief second the world was normal.
And then you remember.
Yesterday wasn't just a dream - or a nightmare.
It really happened. And somehow we have to adjust our lives to cope. To give the support that needs to be given. I don't even know what that support is or if infact I will even be able to give it.
This is the big one. The person who gave you life. Who you complain about and bitch about but love with a passion, unconditionally. This isn't supposed to happen. Not yet anyway. It hasn't 'happened' yet but the journey has begun.
And I'm not there.
So much going, so much to take in. I can't begin to imagine what the rest of the family is going through - being there. 'living' it every day. Here, in my isolated paddy in Japan I can have pockets of time where I forget. Kids help with that too. You can't break down in front of a three year old. I have once - and Shou - well he came straight over and gave me a big hug and told me to 'genki dashite'.
Didn't come near me and had a look of 'pull it together, you're the mother here'. Her look made me laugh but so I guess it had the right effect. Ryu - he laughs at anything. And I hope he is still laughing at everything when him and I go home in a few weeks. Me thinks New Zealand Granny needs her some cute grandson baby laughs.
PS - got seriously the worst passport photo in the history of passport photos today. If there was a 'passport photo wrecks' page I would spend the 48 hours it would no doubt take my computer to upload it! What do you know and everything I own expires in June - passport, visas. Sending off for new passport on Monday. Lets hope next weeks tests don't mean I should be flying home before my passport gets back. They will send my old passport back with my new one aye? So I can get the visas transferred - even though have to go apply for new one.