Thursday, 21 January 2010

Just Curious...

Does your significant other have someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're that way inclined) that he/she emails on a regular basis? Someone younger or in and around the same age?

Hub has 'Takagi-san' - who he used to go to school with back in the day. She is married with a daughter or two and now lives in the next town over. She is the 'bloody big fat pumping hearts' woman. Fair enough that wasn't actually sent on purpose by her - thanks docomo. They email from time to time. From what I can gather a few times a week or a bit more. Hub deletes his email and phone history - I would too if I was married to someone like me :)

Yesterday he left his phone at home. He rang up and asked if I was coming over his way and if so could I drop it off. I wasn't planning on going in that direction so the phone stayed at home. He rang at lunch and got me to check his phone. He knew he had an email from her and wanted to know if there was anything else. I said no and he made a big show and dance about saying I could open the mail from her. So I did and it was innocently about how she was supposed to be doing all this work but was sitting there eating all the snacks instead.

Anyhoo, this morning I noticed in between trying to put four socks on four very unwilling feet that hub had retreated upstairs with his phone. I creep upstairs (I know, I know. Don't even start) and into our room where hub quickly shuts his phone and pretends to do a big stretch. The old 'I'm not doing anything wrong / big stretch trick' aye!

I asked him how Takagi-san was and he immediately looked soooooo sheepish - like a 14 year old boy being caught out with a pile of girlie mags under his mattress. He showed me the mail and it was innocently about how work sucks doesn't it, and itsn't it getting nice and warm lately. There were appropriate moving pictures inserted.

We all need friends. I have guy friends that I email occassionaly. Probably not any that I email every couple of days and none that I would look so sheepish about if hub caught me emailing them. 'Caught' isn't a very good word really as he wasn't technically doing anything wrong. But just the way he reacted really got to me and turned me into an instant grumpy bitch.

He got all stroppy - it's nothing it's nothing, he was just being polite returning her text. I said I was fucked off cause
a. he spends more time sending her nice texts with moving pictures than he does me.
b. I am downstairs sorting the kids out while he is upstairs fluffing around with pictures of cherry blossoms and faces with a moving smiling mouth.
c. he purposefully went upstairs with his phone to do it - he said so that I wouldn't get annoyed. If he knew I was going to get pissed off why couldn't he friggin well wait till he was out in the car on his way to work.
d. and the biggy - he just acted so guilty and 'caught out'

Transformed bitchy wife overracting and feeling like big fat stupid heffer, especially after was so nice yesterday with the extra pocket money AND a late night international relations meeting - insitgated by and for hub. And here he is emailing a skinny slapper about the weather and wondering why he didn't pass her on the way to work yesterday. Was everything OK?

Not exactly secret squirrel emails about which love hotel to meet at but still. Feel well better for ranting about it though. Thanks.

Still bitchy when hub was leaving I said that if he wanted me to order the wood cutter thing could he take 30,000 out of his cut and give it back. He muttered something under his breath and slamed the door on his way out. So I guess he doesn't want it then.

A pity the day had this glip after I awoke feeling so refreshed. Had a lovely long soak in the tub last night with candles and smellies. Need to do that more often. I heard Ryu wake up and then hub go in and get him and NOT come and tell me - good man. Let me soak in peace. Got up and fed Ryu 200ml of formula and then hub and I retreated upstairs.

Hub suggested a meeting perhaps? maybe? Rightio then. Let's get on with it. Unromantic as it sounds actually was good meeting and I went to sleep with cuddles and feeling very sleepy and like was about to embark on sleep of all sleeps.

And that it was. FOUR WHOLE HOURS. God bless the boy.

Boob at 2:30am and then another THREE WHOLE HOURS. God bless the boy again.

I woke up a completely different person to the person I was yesterday morning, the day before that and every other day before that for long time. Pity I had to be an untrusting and sneaky wife over the email thing as really has left ME feeling pissed off and no doubt hub isn't giving it another thought.

Right, Ryu has woken from his nap. Time for some play time. He has a jab today, poor thing.



Orchid64 said...

My husband has kept up a correspondence with an ex-girlfriend for many years, but I also am friends with said girlfriend and correspond with her. He also met her in San Francisco when he went back alone to visit his parents, but I didn't care at all because I trust him. I have a friendship with a man who is much younger than me - he's 27 and I'm 45. We talk on Skype at least twice a week and occasionally e-mail each other. My husband doesn't care though (because he trusts me).

I may be totally out of line, but it would seem that your suspicious behavior, snooping, etc. may be driving a lot of the secretiveness. He hides things from you so you don't get angry and fight with him. Mind you, his lying, hiding things, etc. is driving your behavior. It's a loop of mistrust that is causing both of you to be less than the best people you can be toward each other. I don't know where it started, but his secret bank accounts and lying about playing pachinko were probably a big part of the dynamic.

It seems like there is a separate life of his own away from being a husband and father that your husband wants, and he's trying to sneak it in so you don't insist on an equal separate life for yourself (which in turn puts him out as you can't have that unless he takes on the kids) or you don't have arguments about it.

Chances are that a lot of this might untangle itself when your kids are older and there are fewer demands on your time, but there may be some damage to your relationship as time goes by. It's something to keep an eye out for.

ローラ said...

"skinny slapper" totally made me laugh!

Oh my I would totally be the exact same grumpy bitch if Takeshi ever started corresponding with any female friends from his job/school etc.

I can't help it - I easily get jealous and suspicious if he mentions any kind of girl-person. He would talk about old friends from his culinary school up in Vermont and such. I'm sure they've friended him on Facebook....

I've never met any of his past girlfriends before and I wouldn't want to. I do partially agree with Orchid64 with the the demeanor you bring to this issue with him texting his friend and such. My similar attitude towards, Takeshi when I've become nosey-jealous in the past, has sometimes made him pull back a little and get a little grumpy at me. So, I try not to act so crazy!

Brenda said...

The short answer to your question is yes. My husband spends more time on his goddamn cell phone texting every day than I do over the course of a month. If I had a guarantee that I could throw his phone out the window and it would never come back, nor would he buy a new one, I would! I also know and trust that none of his texting is ayashii in any way, it just fucks me off that he is on the goddamn thing all the time, and for some reason it's always urgent and more important than what I am requesting of him at that moment. Fucking cell phones!

Gaijin Wife said...

I knew I could count on you orchid 64 - you only comment on things that I am being particularly pathetic and stupid about. It jolts me back to my senses and makes me realise once again why blogging is so much better than therapy!

It is totally a loop of mistrust - and I am my own worst enemy. You're right also in that the problem does definately seem worse now (hopefully) when the kids are so young and I tend to look at things being 'equal' too much. I just hope the loop doesn't get travelled too many more times. He can have his secret emails to his friends I just would prefer he wasn't doing it on the sly and at times when I am run off my feet chasing toddlers and feeding babies.

I don't think I have ever totally 100% trusted men before, stemming mainly from father having 6 year relationship with stupid bisexual ex-girlfriend slapper from Hamilton. Mum knew for a long time she said and after kicking him out briefly took him back on and it's all happy families again.

Hi! My name's Katy and I'm insecure, mistrusting, bitchy quite often and altogether a bit pathetic. Christ, this is better than alcoholics annonymous.

Air your worries people. It really does help.

Thankyou Orchid 64. I'll try not to post too many things that get you commenting but when I do need some sense knocked into me please do so. It helps me move onwards and upwards :)

Oyomesan said...

Loved this blog - I know stress release for you...but entertaining and "ahh yes" for the rest of us!

Yup - he emails an old woman colleague who lives in Indonesia now etc. and I came home one night a few years back to find some OTHER old woman colleague was in town and "coming for dinner soon".....which I was pretty spun on until I met her..

I reckon it IS the need in all of us to have a non-couple life...but you HAVE to be open about it otherwise it isn't fair.

I think too that in Japan there are more male/female friends relationships - they chat, go out drinking as a group...often across generation lines that in many countries just wouldn't happen...the men have a kind of Paternal/Teacher feeling about it all and the women (usually younger) treat them like Uncles....

but check his e mail? Yup! Been there! Done that!

random_01 said...

GW I COMPLETELY understand your feelings on this one and we have had the same `issues`. Not that you can even call them issues but emails from exes, young pretty skype buddies etc etc. And nothing makes you feel as vulenerable and easily hurt than when your self confidence and image are down as you have zero you time for yourself as of course you have wee kiddies (dont even get me started about un-subtle comments about weight gain over pregnancy! Is that all blokes or just the Japanese ones?? love `em dont get me wrong but honestly, sometimes!) Your hub is married to a kick ass funny as hell Kiwi girl, he should be counting his lucky stars!!!

Nay said...

Naoki isn't in contact with any of his ex girlfriends or anything now but there was a stage where his ex girlfriend was messaging him telling him how much she hated her husband blah blah blah... Let's just say I didn't like that very much at all and told him so!!

I can totally understand how hard it would be not to get suspicious when your hub is acting suspiciously though...

Kelly said...

Yasu has some women friends from his days working at the post office in obihiro that he still keeps in contact with. They are mostly single women, "not good looking" as yasu puts it and I don't have any problem with it. I sometimes find him emailing them back and forth but I'm never too worried as they over there and we're over here.

But the only thing that really p's me off is when I email him and he responds to everyone else's email first. I feel like I should be first, as isn't my info so much more important? Apparently nippon sports is more important than me! haha humph!

I get where you're coming's totally natural that you would feel that way, especially the closing the phone thing...that just automatically makes people suss!!

Maybe you should get a phone friend and see how he likes it. ;) I mean just try it on...or even act suss when a friend gives you a message and see how he reacts, if it is the same way as you do. That would be an interesting experiment.


Melanie said...

Taka doesn`t have any females email him (he barely gets emails form anyone but me, doesn`t have friends in general) but I definitely know how you feel. I would feel the exact same way as have been screwed over from past boyfriends for doing this and saying "oh she`s just a friend" but then finding out that they`ve been having sex, etc.

I`ve told Taka I would flat out kill him (or at least chop off his manbits) if he ever did something like this me.

I definitely think that if he is going to be friends with her (I have male friends) he needs to be open with you about her and chat/text while you are their and say things like "Oh Skinny Slapper says such and such, isn`t that the worst" or something like that so that you can feel better and not worry

L. said...

I agree that all the money/pachinko lying laid the foundation for distrust -- and also that it's hard to keep perspective when you are the primary caretaker of tiny kids. Heck, when my kids were tiny, it didn't take another woman contacting my husband to turn me into a bitch -- sometimes him just being in the same room as me made me turn bitchy.....ah, memories....

My husband's former San Francisco office intern, a pretty young woman, recently visited Tokyo, and hub went out to the dinner held for her. He said he would be home at 10. He was home at They went to karaoke, he said. He was the kacho so he had to go along, he said, becuase everyone expected him to. I didn't say anything. I decided to trust him on that one.

The year and a half we were living apart, when he was in Tokyo and I was in San Francisco, I got to be close friends with one of my kids' teachers -- a man 13 years younger than me, very good looking, very lonely after breaking up with his girlfriend. He came over to our house for dinner a lot. When we left, I sold him our car, but he didn't have enough for it, and he's still paying it off.

I realize what this all must have looked like.

Some people in our school community even told me it didn't look very nice, but....I didn't care. We really didn't have any sort of inappropriate relationship. He was a close family friend -- nothing physical.

My husband trusted me, and this teacher even came to visit us in Japan, and stayed at our house.

So...if he stays out late partying with the pretty intern, I am not going to raise a fuss. On the other hand, if I ever found a pattern of actual infidelity, I am sure I would be very disappointed.

My point is relative, situational, easily damaged but never to be taken for granted. It sounds as if you and your husband more or less trust each other, but you have issues and are still working on it. That's what married humans do.

L. said...

Oh, wow, my word verification was "plaphoo."

Is that platypus excrement?

Gaijin Wife said...

I think plaphoo is definately platypus (knew there was a 'y' in there) excretment. Made me laugh.

illahee said...

oh oh, i'll be your phone friend GW. i'll send inappropriate throbbing hearts your way!! ;)

to answer your question, yoshi does not have female friend sending him e-mails. i don't think he has many friends to begin with, and when he was younger, he was very shy around girls anyway.

yoshi doesn't strike me as the cheating type (so i guess i could have a nasty surprise one day...) so i don't worry about that much. i am jealous of the time he can spend away from home (today is swimming day...) and we often argue about that. *sigh*

Green-Eyed Geisha said...

If only we didn't have the technology for all this. I think the moving pictures exacerbate the problem because women and men here liberally sprinkle pumping hearts and lovey dovey emoticons in texts even when the content has nothing to do with love, sex or secret nasty rendezvous. I had to deal with a persistent ex-gf a few years ago and it was one of the most trying times I've had. I can vouch for the "circle of trust" thing mentioned by commenters above - the secretive/suspicious stuff just goes round and round even when there is no basis for it. The most useful way I found to cope with it was to chill the fuck out (harder than it sounds) and let things flow for a while. It gave me the perspective I lost during heated moments and showed him I was reacting to situations as most people would, rather than simply instigating fights like an aggro nutter. All that said, men are fairly woosie (sp?) when it comes to women and seem to have a hell of a time NOT replying to emails from women they are not even interested in!

Gaijin Wife said...

GEG- You're right. And eight sleeps from now, I am going to chill me the fuck out in Fukuoka. Will do the world of good - until the next cycle starts at least ;)

Midori said...

I am steer clear of the subject as far as my ex-H is concerned because we all know it wasnt`t friends of the opposite sex I had to be worried about but I completely agree with everyone that his lying and hiding stuff is what has caused you to feel mistrustful in the first place.
HOWEVER, I personally have alot of male friends. In fact, until I had Joey, more than 80% of my friends were blokes. It is now nearer 50/50 but I still have several very close male friends who I communicate with regularly, some of whom are ex-boyfriends. If Mal had a problem with these people being in my life, I wouldn`t be overly impressed but he seems to trust me. I, on the other hand, have very slightly psycho tendencies and have real issues with the fact that he still talks to one girl he dated very briefly before me. Very silly as they really are just friends but it still bothers me. He also has alot of female friends (I guess he is the male version of me! LOL!) and I do have to reign my concerns in but it is very hard for me to control my jealousies. I am doing better lately though...