I was in a dark place for an hour or so this morning.
Was nice and warm too as burried under futon in front of fire. Hub must have brought it in here in the middle of the night because when I came downstairs at 4am he was sitting on it with Ryu trying to calm him down. For the life of me I want some god damn hours of sleep. I had been up perhaps four times before 2am (once with Marina who is in serious need of upgrading to a big girls bed as her arms and legs keep poking between bars in cot) so when Ryu started AGAIN at about 3am I burried under the covers and told Hub I couldn't do it - or rather it was in Ryu and mines best interest for me not to.
Sleep deprivation, like I have said so many times before, really is hell on earth. It gets so bad I have random flashing thoughts of life without children again. I know this will pass but some days I curse the very leg that hub got over when Ryu came to be.
It wasn't just the need to lie down that had me curled up in front of the fire ealier though. I was also having a wo is me moment - no doubt fuelled by lack of sleep but what came about after phone call home. Thats bloody it. No more calling home. It costs me half my English class money every month to pay my international phone bill. No I haven't got skype and no I can't get it until the cable gets put in next April.
I blame myself though - I obviously have a 'need' to talk to home more than home has a need to talk to me. One thing led to another and we had a couple of disagreements -that I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on.
The first was about my brother who may, fingers and all bits crossed, be coming over next year for his best friend's wedding in Hokkaido - and then down to see us. At the moment he is back living at home and working like a dog for a company started by him and two sisters and not getting paid - like so many people when they start a new business. He knows he hasn't got the cash but is still thinking about borrowing it to come to Japan. I love this idea. I have even offered to lend it to him. I have all the confidence in the world that my little brother will be in an economical situation before too long that will allow him to pay ever cent back.
The thinking on the other side of the fence is that he shouldn't go on a holiday he can't afford right now.
Fair enough. Mum seems to think he is getting unfair pressure to go from me though. I agreed that of course I was encouraging the trip. God yes. I missed my sister's wedding and one of my best friend's weddings and I regret it. I also want to see my little bro. At the moment, and being entirely selfish, I would LOVE to have either my eldest sister or my brother come and stay. They could both talk me out of my 'black hole'. My eldest sister has three kids and runs a business so is unable to come. She will one day though and it will be great. I might get one or two of the nieces for the school holidays before then but that would be great too.
Another almost argument that stemmed from this conversation was about my own wedding. I got married here at the end of April. Hub and I went home for Christmas before that and my parents very generously put on a 'wedding party' for us at home. Fifty people, speeches, cake, catering, champers. I know this was instead of anyone coming to my wedding - well actually I didn't, but this morning mum said her and dad could have come but then there wouldn't have been a party. I loved the party - it was great but it wasn't my wedding. NONE of my family came. I think I get more upset about that now than I did at the time!!
Hormonal - tis another reason for the rant. My periods seem to have gotten worse the more babies I have. Better stop having kids or I'll have to work more hours to pay for an expensive neurofen addiction.
Isn't it times like this when the distance, language and culture factors just kick you while you're down?
Anyhoo, black hole only lasted an hour and half a box of tissues before I remembered I hadn't entirely scoffed my Christmas Cadbury supply. Friends have sent loads and it's lucky I'm already married cause the skin breakouts expected next week would mean I wouldn't get any action on Christmas otherwise.
The kids have loads of prezzies waiting, which I contemplated actually putting under the Christmas tree but changed my mind. Mainly because not even the decorations seem to be able to stay on the tree so damned if some fun looking 'what's in there' packages could stay unopened for another week.
I had the first English Christmas party yesterday. We colored in Chrissy Tree puzzles (as in actual puzzle that you color in and then can break up into pieces and do - thankyou FBC) , decorated cookies and ended by making balloon animals - as you do. There were a variety of requests and then a collective 'useless sensei' when I said their only choices were a rabbit or a giraffe.
Granny K came in at end of class time - as I was frantically twisting the back legs on a green rabbit and demanded we stop what we were doing and they all go home as Ryu needed a feed - and I obviously hadn't fed him enough beforehand as he was in a stroppy mood. So we finished up, I cleared away and then went to pick Shou and Marina up.
Dinner went fine but then, oh my god, cue gasping and sounds of ringing social welfare hotline.
I showered Shou - fully clothed. He was not impressed. I wasn't either. He was being a complete pain in the ass.
Me: come and have a bath Shou (as was on own and had to get him and Marina in the actual bath before could get Ryu and myself in)
Shou: don't want one
Me: OK, can you go to Granny's room for ten minutes then.
Shou: I want a bath.
Me: OK, come here and let's get your gears off then.
Shou: don't want to.
Me: OK then, can you go to Granny's room for ten minutes then.
Shou: can you take my top off?
Me: OK, come here then.
Shou: I can do it myself
Me: OK then, away you go.
Shou: I'm not getting in the bath.
...(two more minutes of the same)...
Shou gets picked up by me and plonked under shower to assortment of screams, cries and toddler obscenities. Somehow manage to get his clothes off and wipe him down before putting him in bath with Marina - where he does a good impression of a drowned rat and jumps out. Goes to toilet and I take his PJs in to put on. Five minutes in the nude of going back and forth between me putting PJs on, Granny doing it or him doing it himself. In the end he says he wants to get back in the bath. After which I briefly have to go and stick my head in the freezer to cool self down.
Ryu has been crying for a good five minutes by this time but perks up when he gets his gears off and mummy starts singing Splish Splash I was taking a bath...
On a completely different note - Shou came home yesterday with a prize - he got second at the local agriculture (JA) festival where all the kindies have anpanman pictures on display. He got a box of crayons and a 1000 yen book voucher. His coloring is ace. Very proud parent. But no doubt he has now been so traumatised by the fully clothed shower experience that all his pictures here on in will be black squiggles and holes...
that perhaps I can jump into if need be.
And sorry for the rant. Feeling loads better now. Cheers.