I wasn't in a good place for about ten minutes yesterday morning - the whole, hub is going to be a busy bastard for the next year took over and I started wondering how I was going to manage. Really, in all truthfulness, it is just the nights. The five through to eight. Picking up, dinner, bath and bed for Marina and Shou while juggling Ryu between Granny, the bath and my boob,not to mention the two evenings I have English until five. Throw in a bit of oinky flu (which isn't doing the rounds yet but it's only a matter of time), endless runny noses, nights of vomiting, trying to get Shou out of nappies at night which will in turn lead to having the washing machine on all day, in between trying keep the house in some kind of order, and remembering to wash and clean self. Hub will be lucky to be fed and will have to look after his own shit by himself - poor man.
So, while I was thinking all this I reached for a pair of jeans out of the mess of clothes in the closet and tried to put them on. I just about cried when they almost cut me in two. I shouldn't have looked in the mirror but I did and that just made it worse. Despite being pair of pre pre pre pregnancy (as in before Shou) jeans still made me feel like fat whale.
I was brinking on the edge of either having to go downstairs and skull half a bottle of manuka honey vodka (the only alcohol in the house - well along with the fejoa stuff) or pulling myself out of "fat stay at home mummy with three kids under four living with mother in law in house built by crap builder in town where the only shoes you can buy are rice planting fucking slippers in a country where everyone speaks a language that is not my mother tongue" black hole.
And here I am - holding onto the side of the hole with one arm. God help anyone who tries to stand on my fingers. Need to find my go go gadget arm to help me get out - that and some serious changes.
In midst of despair I had brief thought that what if I couldn't make it through the year and me and the kids did end up singing 'leaving on a jet plane' all the way to Fukuoka airport?? Had to quickly bang head on closest wall to remind self that would be worse off in New Zealand as at least here the kids have a grandparent who actually enjoys their company and, eventhough she might grumble about it sometimes, agrees to watch the kids (as long as its not Shou) on demand. Oh, that and fact that over here I can swear at everyone and get away with it.
bugger, shit, fucking wanker bloody asshole
I realised that when I get like this - when things are almost too much - there are a couple of things that add to it - always.
1. Being a fat bitch
2. Being disorganized
Tertiary educated smart woman that I am, I am also aware that as soon as these two things have been sorted a new two things will take their place. As humans I think we are programed to always want more. Once I have a,b and c everything will be OK. But, one can live in hope - and therefore I AM GOING TO SORT these two things out.
Nothing a gastric band and a filing cabinet can't fix surely?
In seriousness though I did look up filing cabinets yesterday. Mum always had one and I used to think it was cool - all those folders with their own labels!! Now that we are a family of five there is a lot of shit that can't just be thrown out - as much as I would like to. It seems that I can fix this problem for about 30,000 yen. Cheap at the price. Actually doing the filing shit will be fun - I like that kind of thing. Think I could file a whole bottle of sav away. Actually looking quite forward to it!
Being organized also means ALL my English stuff. I have said this before and no doubt I will say it again but still, need to remind self.
As for the weight - as of today I am resurrecting 'Gaijinwife gets skinny'. I will keep a food log and be as truthful as I can. I realise no point to lieing about what have eaten as am just lieing to self but come on - you know those times when you go to have one oreo and all of a sudden the whole pack is gone. OK, so maybe I'll write those down too.
I don't plan on rambling on about my weight on here but maybe an update every so often.
Anyway, about yesterday..
Granny K brought up the stuttering and we had to have a talk about it as she had said that she had sat Shou down and told him to be quiet and look at her mouth as she said the word. We are now on more common ground and actually yesterday and this morning have been good. There have been a couple of instances but nothing really big. There has also been a lot of singing!! Even hub has been hashing songs on purpose. Shou must think the two of us a complete plebs. Can't even remember what color the tulip line up is!!
As predicted my five year olds English class kids wanted to play outside on the awesome adventure play lodge with swing and slide set - which they did. In the rain. Took two of them home after class with wet bums and grass stains on their knees.
Hub was home late again but Granny K gave Ryu a piggy back - thats so not what an 'ombu' is - what is a better way?? Strapped to her back in a baby sling thing. and he fell asleep so that's where he stayed while I sorted out Marina and Shou having dinner and getting in the bath. Shou in bath, Marina in bath, Shou out of bath, mummy and Ryu in bath, Ryu out of bath, Marina and mummy out of bath. Marina went to bed at seven and hub arrived home just in time to put Shou down while I put Ryu down.
Hub went out to buy a beer or two as figured last day in history of fat whale mummy that will be allowed one. We were watching 'LOST' when Granny K came in with a music sheet for lyrics of song that some man was singing on TV at that exact moment - switched channels. She asked hub if he knew what it was about. They debated about it for a few minutes but from what I could gather...
Song was written by mother for her son, saying how excited she was when he was born but that raising him hadn't always been a box of roses. Now that she was getting old she hoped that he would be there for her rah rah.
After Granny K had gone I asked hub if perhaps she was trying to tell us something. I hadn't heared any change my nappies and spoon feed me mush during the song but perhaps I was missing something? He said she just wanted to say something about raising kids not being easy. I'm still not convinced it wasn't more of a plea to look after her when she is old and decrepit instead of taking the vestling home option.
Anyway, she went straight from mid sentence in that to talking about the ground golf competition she is in this Friday.
God I hope she can keep it together for the next year - next five would be good. As one of the kindy teachers said to me yesterday, I need to get better at 'using' her to my advantage. Having to live with her for the time being is something I can't change so may as well make the best of it.
Anyway, enough ramblings for one morning me thinks. Have three English classes today one of which finishes at half five. Don't get kids back here till five forty five and then hub would like to take Shou to the wannabe obligatory voluntary fire brigade meeting at the noddy fire engine shack - that starts at six. I realise he offered to take Shou to help me out but he has 'requested' that Shou be fed by five to six - which is when he will rock up home to get changed and head out again. I will have approximately eight and a half minutes to put food on plates and feed children.
That's me going slightly insane.
Do men even think?