Saturday, 4 July 2009

Out of the Storm

Holy shit - I've just sat down with a cuppa and some of the snyder's jalapeno flavor pretzels. God damn mouth is in fire. That'll shut me up for a good few days, much to hub's relief.

Contrary to popular belief cheesecake and beer go just fine together. Hub wouldn't know though as by the time he got home at half ten the beer was gone. We did have a talk and in fact it turned into a full blown argument and had I not remembered half way through that I wasn't actually at a Greek wedding, I would have started pulling plates out of the cupboard and hurling them at his head.

It turns out that hub was sulking for his own reasons, mainly two things that I said to him during our argument four or whatever days ago...
1) For somebody who works in the tax department you're actually pretty thick (ouch)
2) You're a crap father (shite - not exact words but round about. In Japanese apparently I said 'chichioyarashii koto ikko mo shittenaiwa'

So basically I attacked his pride and made him feel crap about as much as he made me. He had therefore conveniently forgotten about the cause of the argument and was instead sulking about things his hormonal wife said in the heat of the moment. He was waiting for me to apologise, and said he ignored my trying to sort things out over the last few days because 'he didn't want to speak with me or even be in the same room as me'

That may have been when I started crying - to which he told me to stop crying like a baby cause he couldn't talk to me when I was like that. Needless to say that didn't help matters. To cut a two hour argument short he said that I wasn't gaman (putting up with) anything in this relationship and that surely I knew what I was getting myself into having three kids so close together. I really spent the whole time being upset and trying to explain myself.

I had a shower - my runnaway place so can have huge weeping sob. He was looking a bit worried when I got out. I had convinced myself that it would be better us not being here than staying with a hub who didn't even like being in the same room as me and thought that I wasn't giving enough into the relationship and family thing. I said, very calmly, that he needn't worry we would be leaving just as soon as I had a passport for Ryu. It was a very scary time. He didn't say anything (which pissed me off because surely we are worth fighting for) and went up to bed.

I was nowhere near sleep mode so sat down and had a good think about things and in the end I threw all my pride out the window and crept into his futon in Shou's room. He was crying (a very rare occurrence) and gave me a big cuddle and said all the right 'please don't leave' and I'm sorry, and we can sort this out' type things. And I can tell you, forget the apologies and words it was the cuddle - that closeness which I needed.

The whole argument was definitely a two way thing and we both said things we shouldn't have but in the end I had to tell myself that my beautiful sleeping children weren't going to have their lives tipped upside down just because of a few random things said in the heat of the moment. Yes, they were bad things, and hurtful things but really... sticks and stones may break my bones...

So, we woke up this morning to a bright and sunny day. The kids off to kindy and hub had his weedeating thing up the mountain so Ryu and I went back to bed and had some of that great lazy sleep with a cute little baby time. Hub came home and we got sorted and went for sushi, which was yummy. We had pretty much exhausted all the argument talk last night so I tried to keep to safe topics :)

He is now at pachinko - he asked if he could go thinking I would say no, so was surprised when he got the OK - but as long as he's home in time to go and get the kids from kindy. I have just gotten off the phone with a friend from New Zealand. Had excellent rant and we agree that really is a miracle couples make it out the other side after having babies. She told her husband to ignore anything that came out of her mouth for the first six weeks or so after their two kids were born. I mean really, how can us women be expected to be rational after what we have gone through and are still going through with the sleepless nights and having our boobs sucked on 24 seven while also trying to somehow keep it together looking after older kids.

So anyway, that's the low down. I think we have survived this storm. I will get my permanent residency visa and passport for Ryu just in case though - I doubt I could survive these kind of storms on a regular basis - but then we aren't planning on having any more kids...

Shit, did anyone see where that big spider went...


PS - I damnwell went and asked about fat pink pumping heart lady. Turns out I have met her - she is same school year as hub and lives in the next town with her hub and two kids. She is in fact the sister of the mother of one of the girls in my English class - just to confuse you. I didn't get much of anything when I asked about the heart - and am pissed off I even asked about it at all. So should have waited so could do some more detective work. I really doubt hub has the time for anything like that but - check out the optimism. It's oozing out of me today, probably after having been sucked out of me so much lately.


Orchid64 said...

You are one tough cookie. I honestly don't know how you do it. When he said the thing about you knowing what you were getting into when you had the third child, I would have broken his teeth. It's not like he wasn't a part of the process of making the baby by initiating something and following through without protection.

I'd definitely get that permanent residence and Ryu's passport.

illahee said...

seriously, yoshi and i had some very VERY similar fights just after having tommy. even down to the 'just wait until i get his passport and then we'll be out of your hair part.' what gets (got?) me was that i was very similar just after having hiro and sasha, and with sasha and tommy being so close together i was a real mental case after tommy. a real shit was i. so i felt that he should have known better himself, but it was all about HIM, you know. somehow we made it through.

i am so glad you sorted it out. i hope something like that doesn't happen again. *hugs*

anchan said...

Well, I'm glad things are a little better, but I'm sorry you had to go through all that to arrive at a ceasefire. You post made me cry... I've had this kind of row with my DH too, only he NEVER apologises or gives me a hug... he just gets up the next day as though nothing's happened. I really do hope that things will stay good between you now that you've cleared the air, and if it is all down to hormones then things will get better as each day passes. xxx

L. said...

It's funny, I read your blog, and Illahhe's, and Kuri's, and you are all a lot younger than me (I'll be 44 this year, and Hub will be 45, and our "babies" are 14, 12 and 7) and I remember years ago, I went through a lot of what you are all going through.

And now I am living in that FUTURE I longed for, when the kids are bigger and I thought everything would be so smooth -- and it is, mostly. Except....when it isn't.

I can't say this on my own blog because too many people I know read it, but I've been back in Japan for a month now, and Hub has not so much as kissed me. He's a camel, but I'm not -- I'm dying of thirst, in fact! He wants to wait until the kids are all out of the house (3 kids, tiny space, light sleepers, etc.). He won't drink stagnant water, when he knows the perfectly clear water of the oasis is in sight (whereas I would be very happy with a quickie in the bathroom).

But what sustains me is that one weekend morning, when I was sleeping, he came in and rubbed my back and said, "I was so afraid you wouldn't come back to Japan." And...that was all I needed to hear, for now.

It's amazing, all the stresses on international relationships in addition to the usual life stress -- and yet, we manage to find what we need, day by day, to get us through!

Anonymous said...

Wow, that must have been a scary time for both of you. I'm glad everything's working out.

I know you're married with three kids and I'm just with my boyfriend, so you've got LOADS of relationship experience above me. But it's always good to remember honest communication.. I'm sure you already do but maybe with the new stresses of babies you forgot men can be dense so sometimes you have to ask for your cuddle. Sucks that men really sometimes have no idea

Anyways, like I said I have no idea how hormones and just stress and life come into play after having a baby so don't mind me if I'm way off base and my advice is unrealistic

gaijin wife said...

Kim - if you were giving me advice like a forty year old house wife I would be worried! Any advice is good advice.

Just being married and then having kids in the picture is completely different - and even after my first baby I wasn't acting like such a fruitcake. Maybe the more you have the more fruity you get. Hmmmm.

As for honest communication - its hard enough in a normal relationship I think. Being the person not speaking the native language and it doubles in difficulty. Not that I lie - but getting what you want across can be such a damn mission sometimes.

All we can do is try.

And love our men, because really I do. I married him after all :) I just have to forgive or tolerate at least his crap insensitive manness.

Chrysanthemum Mum said...

Glad to hear you both managed to sort things out. I hope things remain calm in the gaijinwife household for a while.

Nay said...

I am too glad that you have finally worked things out with your hub. When I read the post before this I was soo worried about you.

We don't have kids in the equation yet but we have had a few of those really big doozy fights when I have pulled the 'you had better hope I am not pregnant because I am leaving you' fights and they aren't pretty. I can't begin to imagine how upsetting it must have been fo you.

Sending you as many ラブラブ vibes as I can!


Brenda said...

Thanks alot GW, just leave me all alone with my stupid pride, still refusing to be the one to give in, while you cuddle up with the hub! LOL Seriously though, glad things are okay again.

Ditto L.'s comment, except the internationl part, it's an all-American crap fest here, but I'm older, and so are my kids, and this future isn't at all what I dreamed of as I chased around my little ankle biters all those years ago. Like L, I can't write in my own blog either, glad I have your blog comments to vent! Hope you don't mind!