Saturday, 11 April 2009

Advice Please...

We both took the kids to kindy this morning and then I walked the 2 km home because the bunster is in desparate need of some exercise. We spent an hour pottering on various things and then we put up Shou's koinobori (flying material fish on big pole in Granny K's vege patch)

Before hub left for his pachinko bonanza outing I put my cash card in his wallet and at the same time saw he had a bit of cash in there. I joked that he didn't need my 10,000 yen when he already had 10,000 of his own. He tried, very hard, to look genuinely perplexed at how the money got in there! If you didn't put it in there wifey then how did it get there type of thing. I am all in for paying it forward a bit but I draw the line at slipping random amounts of money into hub's wallet and then pretending like it wasn't me. He said something along the lines of the god's must be smiling.

Indeed they must.

I told him to stick to that story and to be off with him to pachinko and to have a good time.

When he got back in the afternoon he then went out in my car to get a haircut - we joked about him getting a punch perma (very very tight curl perm like traditional yakuza types) so that the city Mayor would find him too scary too have round the city office and would hence send him home to me in Kunimi :)

After he left I checked out his sunvisor bank balance. Zilcho. I figured as much though seeing as he had sudden 'gods must be smiling' deposit of money in his wallet. While I was in his car I did a quick glance round. There on the back seat was a pair of black panties and a lipstick.

OK, just joking there. Would never use word 'panties' anyway.

What I did find were what appeared to be two ATM receipts that had been purposely torn up into little pieces. I have always loved jogsaw puzzles - which is good because it took me half an hour to tape them back together!!

They are for two separate accounts - both in overdraft and both of which obviously have a cash card that is obviously kept under a rock in the garden or in his desk at work. I had always thought as much though so this didn't come as a huge surprise. I am a tad shocked at the amount. All together about one fourth of his take home pay for the year.

We have accounts at both of the banks - one has hardly any money and the other is for the car loan for his car. I decided to check the numbers just to see if he was drawing down money on accounts we all ready had or if he did indeed have two extra accounts.

Indeed he does.

I am fully aware that as a man he needs to feel like he has some control over some of the money. Fair enough. But there is a right way and a wrong way. I have two of my own accounts in Japan - a bank account and a post office savings account. The bank account pays for my JCB credit card - which is in charge of our satelite TV, ETC highway card, and random foreign food orders. It also pays for my individual insurance and international phone bill. Nothing 'ayashi' (suspicious) about anything there. The other account is a 'savings account' and at present that has less than the amount he spent at pachinko today! My English class money usually goes half and half into both these accounts but more recently has also needed to be divided into grocceries and the likes.

I also have a much larger sum of money in NZ - most of which is being used to loan towards the family business and the rest is about the amount I would need to get home in an emergancy if need be. Over half of the money I originally had went into our new garden and the car so I feel abosulutely fine in the knowledge that the rest is being invested for the future - and while I didn't get hub's approval as such he knows where it all is. There are no slush funds in the carribean or under the matress upstaris.

So, what I am asking here is, how do I go about approaching the ATM receipts I found in his car? In other money related conversations I have always come out worse off regardless of who is in the wrong. These things tend to get to me a lot more and I come away feeling pissed off and upset while he seems to get over it relatively quickly.

What I don't get is how he is just getting into debt without paying it off?? I thought about this and realised he hasn't given me his pay slip summary for many months now. This has a break down of where his pay automatically goes and what his take home, deposited into the bank, amount is.

Earlier I asked him if he could bring the next one home. He asked why and I said I was going to start doing the house budget again seeing as things were getting tighter.

Do I wait to see this months breakdown of his pay? or do I approach the subject sooner rather than later? And if there is only the obvious explanation, that he does have two accounts in substantial debt, how do we go about paying them off when we are stretching things as it is? Can't exactly ask the bunster to stay inside for an extra ten months. Yes I could take the kids out of kindy, but then I couldn't teach in the afternoons and one cancels the other out moneywise anyway.


Do I approach it tomorrow - after a crazy day of kids, or do I wait until he gets home really late one night next week? Or do I wait until this time next week when hopefully we have had a relaxing day and there is more chance of having an adult conversation about it. And, can I actually wait that long?

Anyway, money issues aside, he came back from the hairdressers with a very manly haircut. We then went and picked the sproglets up from kindy and went to the park before dinner. He is now ironing his shirts after putting the kids in the bath and getting Shou to sleep - just trying to pump him up a bit to cover for foolish foolish foolishness of trying to have debts the wife doesn't know about.

I need a serious ankle rub tonight - elephant ankles are turning into piggy toes.



Jo Tomooka said...

It sounds like a difficult situation... as you said whatever you say you may come off worse than him - I don't know how that happens, but it always does! I pulled the "you knew I was a foreigner when you married me and therefore expect different things of you" line tonight when I was fuming about having to do the dishes by myself again (mind you he had cooked tea....) and he pulled the "you knew I was Japanese when you married me" line. I digress!
My advice... talk to him as soon as possible, but when at least you are in a calm enough mood to not accuse him from the start... it may be a misunderstanding... it may not be! If you don't talk about it then you will never sort it out properly and you really need to do that before little Bobby arrives in June! I guess he needs to feel assured that you will try to work with him to get out of the debt before he will confess to the full extent of it.
Not very helpful, but a quick reply... if you are free next week let me know and we could have a child free chat! Good luck with whatever approach you take. There is always a way out of it in the end.... it is just finding the way that is difficult!

anchan said...

Oh GW, my heart sank as I read your post... This is an awful situation to be in, and I really do hope it is a misunderstanding. But you really need to find out sooner than later. Is there any way you could bring yourself to talk it over with, deep breath, Granny K? Or is there another family member you could speak to (his brother?). Maybe that's not a good idea, I don't know. BUt perhaps they might have inside information. And it might be an idea to have the talk with someone else present (to help keep this calm). A good friend of mine back home went through difficult times with a gambling husband who racked up huge debts behind her back - she took complete control of the finances, and he started to go to GA meetings (which were immensely helpful) - but they have managed to get everything back on track now. I'll be thinking of you xxx

Midori said...

Ack- Japanese men and their secret bank accounts. Although, alot of women have their own "hesokuri" as well but that money seems to always be for sensible reasons (like your emergency savings) whereas the male equivalent is usually for pachinko or other dodgy things. As someone who was married to a pachinko fiend, I totally understand your concerns and your H having secret accounts that are in debt is a BIG worry. I would bring it up with him sooner rather than later. You could try the subtle "check his payslip" approach but the chances are that he knows why you are asking that. It isn`t going to be an easy conversation but just remember that no matter how HE wants to turn it around, what he is doing is fundamentally wrong and dangerous for your family as a whole as getting you guys into serious debt is going to jeapardise the future for all of you. Big hugs as I know exactly what you are going through right now. xxx

Anonymous said...

Are you absolutely certain that they were his ATM slips? I know it seems highly likely since they were torn up in his car, but is there any chance they could belong ot any of his mates?

It's not possible that the money he's borrowed is for his kids from his first family is it?

I think you definately do need to make time to sit down with him and ask him about it. Don't accuse him straight out, but just start off the conversation with how you felt you had an honest relationship and you hoped he felt he could tell you anything, then mention that you have been very worried because you happend to find the ATM slips showing much as you might be feeling angry that's not going to help get the truth out of him so you've gotta mask it to appear calm..good luck! hope that it is just a misunderstanding! Katie M

Lulu said...

Oh that is tough GW, I hope there is a sensible explanation.

I would talk to him as soon as possible too- if you leave it, it will fester under your skin and in your mind until you lash out which will not end well for either of you, I am sure.

As others have said try to do it when you are calm- for your sake and the bunster`s at least.

Good luck and I do hope it is something completely innocent!

Sara said...

I still feel rather a greenhorn to give any decent advice on your situation... but I suppose if it was me I would do what some of the previous commenters said and find a calm time to bring the matter up. I hate confrontation so it would probably kill me though.

Really hope that whatever it turns out to be its something that you will be able to work through without too much difficulty. Seems theres been so much going on lately - this seems like the last thing you would need stressing you out.

Hope everything is ok.