Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Tears

Today I heard two bits of sad news. The first is a good gaijin friend of mine who lives not far away whose partner's father died this morning. He was 79 and had been hospitalised for a few years and I while I don't think his actual death came as a shock to the family it is always hard when someone passes away.

The second bit of news has hit this hormonal pregnant woman like a tone of bricks. A blog friend - someone whom I have never met but whose blog I read regularly and who I feel like I know through knowing the parts of her life that she shares on her blog - miscarried yesterday.

Her and her husband, who have only been married for a little while, were so excited about the prospect of becoming parents. I have never met him either but instinctively I know that they will be fantastic parents.

Knowing exactly what she is going through yesterday, and right now and what she will be going through over the next days, weeks and months really makes me want to be able to go and give her a big hug.

Hub and I got pregnant in Hokkaido on our honeymoon. On my second visit to the doctors I found out I had miscarried and had to have a D&C operation the following day. It was, to date, the worst three days of my life I think. I say three days because that was all I had off work. The only people that knew I was pregnant were my boss, my immediate friends and family. I am not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing having to go back to work and act so normally.

I had already been to the city office to get my mothers and baby handbook. I heard afterwards that in Japan there is some kind of ritual ceremony where you burn it. I was feeling so mad at the world I threw it out - along with the one scan pic I had of the dot. Life was so unfair for a while and everywhere, just everywhere I looked there were pregnant woman and babies. Curse the people who had the gaul to actually complain about having children.

I had three more miscarriages after that. I even got tested on a trip back home to see if it was something physical. There was apparantly nothing wrong but the number of miscarriages had now placed me in a 'high risk' category. I had no trouble getting pregnant, the bastards just wouldn't stick for long.

When I got pregnant with Shou I couldn't get excited until I reached 14 weeks and was over the high miscarriage period hump.

I read my friend's blog tonight and it has made me sad for her loss and sad all over again for the ones I have lost. It has also made me extremely grateful for the two (and nearly three) beautiful children I have now and makes me realise I need to appreciate them a lot more.

And to my blog friend - I had a lot of comments and words of sympathy from family and friends. A few people said things like 'It just wasn't meant to be' and 'God will bless you with a child soon' and absolute shite like that. Absolutely bullshite. It was meant to be god damn it and it isn't fair. I felt guilt at the thought that I had done something. It is hard not to feel guilt and I know you will feel it too and I can say until the cows come home that it wasn't anything you did - but it doesn't stop the feeling and perhaps that is just a part of the grieving process.

You are in my thoughts.

4 comments:

Nay said...

Oh my god, I can't believe you had to go through this pain four times... I don't know how you got through it. I can imagine how difficult it was for you. The thought of you feeling like I am feeling now not only once but 4 times makes me cry for what you must have gone through. I am so sorry that you had to go through that.

It gives me hope though that I too will be fortunate to one day last the whole 40 weeks... I am just so terrified that if we do get pregnant again I will miscarry again. I don't think I am strong enough to go through this again...

All I do is cry, blame myself, cry some more, cry myself to sleep and then as soon as I wake up the cycle starts again. It's so difficult not to blame yourself - all I can think about is what if I didn't go skiing or what if I didn't have a bath (before I knew baths were bad) then maybe my baby would still be here.

The comments that people make can be so hurtful too... nobody knows how painful this is until you actually experience it yourself. And god, I would not wish this on my worst enemy...

Thank you for your thoughts - knowing that somebody I 'know' understands how I am feeling gives me a little bit of solace.

PS - I am so so so sorry that I have caused you to recall all that pain and sadness. Please forgive me...

illahee said...

GW and nay, i believe you are both very strong women and i'm very sorry you have had this pain. *big hugs* for both of you!

gaijin wife said...

Nay please don't be sorry. Writing about it and getting comments from blog friends is one way of helping your through this time.

It has brought me to tears - especially reading the comment from your mother. God, that is the one time I really wanted my mother. You feel so alone. But, the tears are good. It has made me reflect and now appreciate my current situation more.

I got a lot of 'remember your husband is greiving too' and I agree, he would have been but the level is different. This is you, your body and while you both share the same dreams and hopes for your baby the maternal bond is just too strong.

I didn't grieve to the same level four times. Somehow my brain's mechanisms made me not feel the pain so much the other times. The first time was the worst. It was still hard the other times and I did start to think I wouldn't be able to have a baby but I became numb to the pain.

Even after your have hit the bottom and you start coming out you still can't leave the house for a day or so because your eyes are so sore and puffy.

Getting pregnant again will be scary but you are strong Nay and this is something you want more than anything.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs - and a box of tissues.

Lulu said...

I am so sorry to hear that you went through miscarriage four times.

As a good friend of Nay, I am sure that she appreciates you writing this because I know she feels so alone right now.

I wish I was there to give you a hub & to give Nay a big hug too.

You are both so strong.